HEAD COACH: Eric Taylor (Friday Night Lights) – So many good coaches to choose from, but I couldn’t imagine this team being led by any other guy. Coach Taylor somehow turned Matt Saracen into a state championship winning quarterback, and turned the whole East Dillon High Program around in less than two seasons. Complete worst to first run in just seasons, that speaks for itself.
THE OFFENSE
Quarterback: Shane Falco (The Replacements) - One thing I’ve always wondered when watching this movie was just how bad Shane Falco’s Sugar Bowl performance was that every character in the movie mentions. Seriously, the dude must’ve had about 5 first-half interceptions and then got benched in a 70-6 loss with the way some of their characters talked about it. However, the bottom line is Shane Falco’s leadership and uncanny knack to deliver some of the most under-appreciated sports movie speeches make him the unanimous choice to lead this football team.
Running Back: Earl Megget (The Longest Yard) – Did any one man ever turn a team around more in a shorter period of time than Megget did for the Mean Machine? He broke out a touchdown run seemingly every time he touched the ball in practice, and some of those were without even wearing cleats.
Full Back: Tim Riggins (Friday Night Lights) - Expect a couple of lackluster early season showings from Riggins because he’ll be boozing up heavy all offseason long instead of hitting the weights, but that’s exactly the Riggins I want on my team. The beer-drinking womanizer brings the toughness that every coach wants in their fullback. Texas Forever.
Wide Receiver: Charlie Tweeder (Varsity Blues) - Tweeder is definitely a Wes Welker type in this offense. I can see Falco overthrowing a post pattern just enough to see Tweeder get clobbered but he’s the type of guy to get right back up and catch one on the next play. Plus, Tweeder stealing a cop car and driving it away without facing any repercussions proves he has the just the kind of awareness and elusiveness to drive defenses crazy.
Wide Receiver: Hot Hands (Little Giants) - He has to have the Stickum on his hands or else he’ll find himself on the bench real quick. Mind-blowing to think that he was given a starting receiver spot when he actually couldn’t catch one pass without Stickum. Bowl cut kid from Air Bud was the only kid in movie history with worse hands than Hot Hands.
Tight End: Brian Murphy (The Replacements) – We just need to have one assistant coach that knows sign language. Brian Murphy may not be able to hear the roar of the crowd when he catches touchdowns for this team, but man there will be a lot of them with Falco chucking it. Wasn’t going to mess with that QB/TE combination.
Center: Josh Nichols (Drake and Josh) – Did anyone else ever get tackled 20 yards into the end zone for the game winning touchdown in the only football game they ever played? Who knows how he even ended up with the ball in that play if he was playing center, but I want him and his clutch gene on my team. He can also be the team’s equipment manager….MANAGER.
Right Guard: Louie Lastik (Remember the Titans) – If Lastik doesn’t sing “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” in the cafeteria in between two-a-days, I bet the Titans team chemistry never even begins to get better. Definitely the glue guy for that team and I expect it’ll be more of the same for this squad.
Left Guard: Billy Bob (Varsity Blues) – Puke and Rally! Despite scoring the game winning touchdown in the district championship, Billy Bob had the heart of a lion for playing with a concussion for the whole season. He’ll thrive playing under a coach not named Bud Kilmer.
Left Tackle: Jumbo Fumiko (The Replacements) – Otherwise known as the Sumo-wrester/Spare Ribs eater that protected Falco. As long as he doesn’t load up on eggs before games he’ll be solid in the trenches.
Right Tackle: Michael Oher (The Blind Side) – No one is getting to Shane from behind, and I’ll have no issue with Sandra Bullock interrupting practices.
Inside Linebacker: Julius Campbell (Remember the Titans) - Strong Side!
Middle Linebacker: Icebox (Little Giants) – Came into the game at halftime when Danny O’Shea’s bunch looked to have no shot against the Cowboys. One of the most underrated tackles in cinema history is Icebox stopping Spike short on the goal line.
Defensive End: Thad Castle (Blue Mountain State) – Asking him to do a bit of a position change here. I’m worried that he could never play as hard for any man as he did for Coach Marty Daniels, but we’re letting him keep Oksana, so he should be fine.
Defensive End : Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy) – Another guy that we’re asking to change positions, and we know that foosball is the devil, but I think as long as he imagines the opposing quarterback screaming “Needledick”, he’ll still be ferocious on defense.
Defensive Tackle: Switowski (The Longest Yard) – Nicest guy on this team. I question his toughness because he didn’t handle his broken nose situation too well, but I fully expect him to be a force against opponents for us. The Guards were not an easy team up front and he manhandled them.
Defensive Tackle: Rudy Ruettiger (Rudy) – I don’t want to hear any of the “Rudy was offsides” nonsense. With so many other threats to key in on, opposing offensive lines are going to be as annoyed with Rudy as his older brother was at seemingly everything he did in that movie. The RUU-DEE chants will most definitely be loud if I ever bench him, but I don’t see that happening.
Strong Safety: Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights) – Flies under the radar as a huge part of the Permian defense in the movie. He’ll be the leader of this secondary.
Free Safety: Sack Lodge (Wedding Crashers) – Lays some bone crushing hits on Jeremy in the game of touch football at the Cleary house. Crab cakes and football are what Maryland does, Sack Lodge knows that and that’s why I love having him in the secondary.
Cornerback: Vince Papale (Invincible) – Making this pick on his performance in those parking lot games with his bar buddies rather than his performance with the Eagles, because those games were some real battles. We’ll make sure to spell his name write on his locker at training camp.
Cornerback: Alan (Remember the Titans) – A lot of Ryan Gosling, probably don’t remember how much of a liability he was on the Titans defense, but I think he can thrive under the right system. His dad will be happy with the playing time he gets on this team.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Kick/Punt Returner: Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump) - Guy became an All-American and as far as I know the only position he played on a football field was on kick returns, so this was a no-brainer for me.
Kicker: Nigel Gruff (The Replacements) – Easy decision here. Switched positions and was never even seen missing a kick in the entire movie. Guy has a cannon for a leg.
Punter: Landry Clarke (Friday Night Lights) – Hopefully we won’t need to punt with the type of offense I expect, but he was fearless when he clubbed Tyra’s attacker with a pipe. This man deserves a roster spot.
How 'bout a GM? Sonny Weaver Jr. - the man that pulled off the "Draft Day" miracle by somehow netting the 1st overall pick for a couple of 2's
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